7 Ways to Get That Loving Feeling Back
May 2, 2016 / Michael Wayne Regier Ph.D. / MichaelRegier.com / Relational Excellence Articles
Have you lost that loving feeling? Here are 7 Ways to get it back…and keep it!
It is no mystery that feelings come and go in relationships. Songs have been lamenting this reality since the beginning of time. But you hear little factual advice about what to do to get your loving feeling back.
Where did that crazy loving feeling come from in the first place?
Most of us have felt it. It seems to sneak up on us. It makes us feel like something or someone has possessed us. Where does that loving feeling come from?
Science has cracked the code for what creates feelings of love in committed relationships. Most people are unaware that humans are biologically wired to have a rush of feelings in every new attraction love relationship.
That loving feeling comes from a major release of dopamine in the brain. Scientists liken the feeling to that of a cocaine high. Its high disinhibits us!
New attraction love allows us to write love poems and plan romantic adventures like never before.
People have a crazy capacity to be present and fun when loaded with dopamine. Most sad pop songs are talking about the woes of losing this new attraction love feeling. It’s time we understand where it came from and how to keep the flame burning for a lifetime.
Where did that loving feeling go?…Now you see it, now you don’t!
Every brain dramatically decreases dopamine production about one to two years into a committed relationship. So yes, the rush of euphoric love produced by new attraction dramatically decreases in all of us once we know we possess the object of our desire.
When that blissful feeling fades, some look for a quick fix by finding a new person they are attracted to… and voila, the rush of feelings is back.
Sadly most people think that this is the the only solution that saves them from the lonely hearts club. They trade all of the investment they have made in saying “I do forever” for a feeling that has nothing to do with lifetime love.
We feel secure in life when we know that one person loves us more than anyone else, that they have our back.
Scientists now agree that humans are wired to pair bond. The security we feel in a committed love relationship allows us to feel more confident about ourselves. We will be less prone to anxiety, depression or to illness.
Committed love produces deeper feelings of calm and serenity with the occasional rush of dopamine surges salted in during our most intimate moments.
How to get that loving feeling back:
The way to get the wonderful feelings of committed love back is all about deepening your connection. Here are 7 ways to do that.
- Close your exits: It’s easy wander and to medicate the loss of committed love serenity with false solutions. Stop going to alcohol, pornography, illicit relationships, food, work or what ever your drug of choice is. These substitute attachment will trigger the shame center in your brain. You will have to fight the voice inside of your head that says you are not good enough to keep the lifetime love your deserve.
- Be present and pay attention: Lifelong love is a dance that requires you being clued in to your partner’s next step. If you stop p
aying attention, you might as well get off the dance floor. When you are in your partner’s presence, silence your phone, forget your social media, stop looking around in the room and tune into what your partner is saying. Try looking into your partner’s eyes the way you use to. - Mirror your partner’s emotions: I can’t emphasize this one enough. Lifetime love is built on emotional safety and comfort. We only share our deepest emotional joy and hurt with the people we trust the most. People need people to listen and care. By allowing yourself to feel what your partner feels he/she will feel cared for and less alone.
- Stop judging your partner’s emotions: Emotions are simply energy in motion. They are the brain’s way of communicating that something is right or wrong in our internal world. Emotions often need to be expressed and talked out to be fully understood. Every one of us wants to have at least one other person who will compassionately care about what we feel and help us make sense out of our emotional reality.
- Make your primary primary: It’s good to have relationships with extended family, friends and even pets. Every one of us wants to know that our primary relationship cares about us more than any other. Protect your heart from giving others this place in your life.
- Take the time to talk every day: It always amazes me that people will pay me thousands of dollars to repair their relationship while they struggle to find 15 minutes a day for quality communication. All of your other commitments, even parenting, must take a back seat to daily quality communication. You can’t succeed at the above without this one.
- Express your needs and desires: Having our needs and desires met keeps us feeling passionate and alive. When we allow our partners to help fulfill us we are eternally grateful. It takes vulnerability to continue to talk about our needs and desires, especially during times when life is difficult. The joy of being a couple is in the climb together, to ever higher peaks which our needs and desires define.
The 7 steps above aren’t easy. They require time, attention, vulnerability and work. But moving on to another dopamine hit with another will only buy you a year or two. It’s time we stop thinking that deep committed love has anything to do with new attraction love.
I promise you that if you commit to practicing the seven steps above you will fan a powerful flame that will warm, protect and propel you till your journey in this life is over.
